Jimbo's Jots

Communication is the key to any relationship. As one who works with couples getting married and couples who are struggling in their marriage, I tell them the foundation of their relationship is communication. I heard someone say, “Communication in a relationship is like blood to the body. When it’s not flowing well, the relationship (body) will have harmful side effects.”

In Mark & Debbie Laaser’s book, Seven Desires, they begin with this assertion of the first desire is to be heard and understood. When we feel we are being heard and understood, it gives confidence in who we are. If we feel like we are being heard, it frees us up to open up even more.

The opposite of this is also true. If we don’t feel like we are being heard, we tend to shut down. When we shut down, we believe we are being dominated by the other person whether our partner or another family member. Shut downs can happen when we are told, “Later”, “That’s a stupid think to think”. Also, people tend to shut down if they feel they are being talked to or talked at and not given the chance to be heard.

As the Laaser’s assert, we love to communicate. It’s in our nature to communicate. When we feel the breakdown, we will speak differently: talk more slowly, talk quicker in order to get a word in, repeat what we’re saying, or become argumentative.

So how can we be heard by others? I suggest these little tools:

• To be heard, learn to listen. Listen so that the person speaking knows they have been heard. Repeat what you are hearing for clarification only.
• Speak openly about emotions and expectations. We are driven by our emotions and expectations. We ask ourselves, “Why am I feeling this way?” When we better understand our own emotions, we then learn to communicate them.

Finally, KNOW that God is listening and he wants us to talk to Him. As the Psalmist says, “I cried out to God to hear me.” (Psalm 77:1-2) In our joys and sorrows, God bends over to listen to the hearts.

Whether speaking or listening, be blessed and be a blessing!