Jimbo's Jots

Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning has been quoted for ages by hopeful romantics. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” And to be honest, we kind of stop there because admittedly, those are the only lines we really know by heart. We then add our own superlatives in expression of love to that one special person.

So on this St. Valentine’s Day (weekend), let’s talk a little about five ways you can show love. Several years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman studies relationships among people. He concluded that there are five basic “languages” as he called them that we communicate love to others. The key is figuring out which of these love languages energizes the other person. In other words, when you “speak” one of these into a relationship, you stimulate an emotional response in that other person.

So here are the five:

• Words of Affirmation – we all want to hear that we are good person or we do good things. I have in my office several thank you notes from couples that I met, counseled and officiated their weddings. Several years ago, while officiating a wedding, a couple related to the soon-to-be newlyweds, came to me and told me how much my words still influence their relationship. This was after 8 years of their own marriage. Good to hear that!
• Quality Time – every once in a while, my wife doesn’t have my attention. Sometimes, it even happens mid-conversation. Not some of my proudest moments. What I have described is the opposite of quality time. It’s giving full focused attention. In those moments, it’s turning the TV off or getting off my phone on date night. And while these missteps are few and far between, it is still important to make sure that when quality moments come up, that I’m giving her my full focused attention.
• Gift Giving – this is pretty self explanatory. Gifts are the visual symbols of love expressed. Simply, a couple will give each other a ring on their wedding day as a gift of committed love while others will use another gift as an expression of love. One day, while teaching second grade, I showed up at my wife’s school with cupcakes for her students on her birthday – along with about a dozen balloons. While appreciated, the gesture of the gift at this particular time, actually fell like a lead balloon.
• Acts of Service – at least for the past 50 years, families have become two income families in which both husband and wife work outside the home. Having said that, supper still needs to be fixed and the house needs to be picked up. Acts of service says, “I’ll show love by taking responsibility to make sure the house is taken care of too.” So, if you would like to try this, ask your spouse for a list of things you could do to “serve” them.
• Physical touch – of all of the five senses of the body, touch is one that is not limited to just one area of the body. Receptors located all over your body, when touched, send a signal to the brain that triggers an emotional response. By touch, I am talking about holding hands, an arm over the shoulder a hug. Now, this can work for both the good and bad. Someone who has experienced physical abuse will struggle to find pleasure in physical touch. Or someone who didn’t now receive very much positive touch moments will crave touch later in life.

So to answer Browning’s question, Gary Chapman would say there are five ways to say “I Love You”! The question really boils down to is understanding which of these energizes you and even better what you can do for your significant other that will speak love to them.

Be blessed and be a blessing!