Jimbo's Jots

How many times have we thought this is a really big issue only to realize after the fact that it was not after all? Especially in the marriage relationship, how many times have you heard while talking with a friend or maybe even said it yourself, “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I can’t seem to make him/her happy, no matter how hard I try.” In most cases, it’s not a big deal.

So as we continue to look at The Good News about Marriage: Debunking discouraging myths about marriage and divorce, we look at the last myth. The last myth that Shauti Feldhahn busts is this . . . most marriage breakdowns are caused by big issues. In her research, she found that many issues in the marriage relationship are simply caused by a misunderstanding of what the partner was feeling or thinking.

Two things, based on her research:

• 99% of spouses deeply care about each other. This information was based on asking couples how happy they were in their relationship. Even with couples who were struggling, 80% of the couples who responded stated they were happy with their spouse.
• In 82% of struggling couples, one partner is not aware the other is unhappy. In most cases, it’s a matter of being mindful of the spouses needs or desires. With some couples that I have worked with, the spouse is aware of the needs of the other but not fulfilling the need or desire for various reasons.

So the good news is, “You have the ability to help create a sense of happiness and security for your spouse.” Here are a couple of tips:

1. Communicate – with couples I work with, we teach a simple exercise. Each person gets a chance to state what they liked about their relationship that day. The other listens and repeats what they heard. Then, each gets a chance to say what they didn’t like about their relationship that day. Again, the other listens and simply repeats what they heard.
2. Gather – information on understand thoughts of men and women is out there. Here are a couple of good resources: Love and Respect (Eggerichs), For Women Only and For Men Only (Feldhahn), and Rekindling the Romance (Rainey). Those are just a few that I would start with.
3. Look – Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages talks about five different ways we can give and receive love. Look for ways to speak love into your relationship by understanding what your partner’s love language is.

Maybe you’re struggling in your marriage. Not sure what to do about it. It really could be a lack of awareness on both in the relationship. Look for opportunities to create those conversations to create growth in the relationship.

Be blessed by your spouse and be a blessing to them.